Monday, December 10, 2007

The Case of Serbia and Croatia and what Could Have Been

This is my essay for a government class about what was possible in Yugoslavia don'y any of you slimy bastards steal it cause I can prove its mine.


What is possible? What was possible? Was it possible for the people of Yugoslavia to emerge from the fall of the Soviet Union in a better position than they are in now? These questions are the core in the examination of the situation of the Balkans as it emerged from the shadow of the Soviet Union. While these questions offer up an infinite amount of possibilities dependent upon even the slightest of variables, it is important to examine these situations with optimism. We must, therefore, allow ourselves assume, despite our better judgment, that the situation in Yugoslavia could have resulted in better positioning for the various groups located in the region of Yugoslavia. Several factors must be examined in order to understand what this improved position would look like, how it could have been conceived, what the reality on the ground was and how those involved could have improved the situation of the peoples of Yugoslavia and what they needed to know in order to make these improvements.

First we must examine what the ideal state would look like in order to ascertain how the peoples of Yugoslavia could have obtained such a state. The definition of a “perfect state” is rather controversial and depending on who one talks to one may receive many different viewpoints. Francis Fukuyama in State Building identifies the various forms of the state in relation of their institutional strength and scope of state functions. He highlights that in the early 1990s economists were very much in favor of a weak state with a limited scope. They justified this in their belief that the market would “self organize” and that state functions would somehow take care of themselves (Fukuyama 15). However, by the late 90s and into 2000 the focus would shift from this broad weakening of strength and scope to a priority of state strength over scope. Fukuyama cites the contrast between East Asia and Latin America in deference to the strength and quality of their institutions and how it correlates to their economic success (Fukuyama 19).

It is the personal belief of the author that having a state with limited scope and greater strength is a step toward an overall more ideal state; at least in the case of a state that is in a transitional phase such, as the one we will be dealing with shortly (Yugoslavia). As identified by Milton Friedman, the role of law is incredibly important in the economic success of a state (Fukuyama 19). As it stands, a state making the transition to democracy will not have the capacity it once enjoyed under a more authoritarian rule. As authoritarian transition relies heavily on the quality of the leader, transition under authoritarian conditions may undermine the legitimacy of the state, and its ability to establish the rule of law, whereas democracy is self legitimizing and better able to withstand economic hardship. This lends to the state a greater capacity which will allow it to establish and enforce its own laws. In the World Bank‘s “World Development Report” in 1997, the World Bank indentified the rule of law and macroeconomic management as a few of the key building blocks of a state (Fukuyama 8).Without these things a state does not have the capacity to meet the needs of its people. In short a state that is able to focus its energies on establishing the rule of law and economic growth will allow the state, and the members thereof, to establish the institutions sought after by the general public.

Another advantage to a state with limited scope is the degree of transparency that it lends itself to. Fukuyama indentifies the functions of the public sector as particularly difficult to monitor (Fukuyama 55).However, the functions that are at the disposal of the state, when the state has a small scope, are more easily monitored as their output is almost immediately identifiable. For example, once again referring to the functions of state provided by the World Bank, it is easy to identify if the government has fulfilled its responsibility in improving equity or if it has provided basic public goods. The population can easily identify if these things are provided to them. However if the state is given a greater scope transparency becomes limited as it is not as easy to identify the effects of such functions as education and various mechanisms of the economy. Fukuyama states clearly that there can be no “formal mechanism for delivering transparency and accountability (Fukuyama 55). In leaving the less transparent functions closer to the people, i.e. delegated locally, I contend that they will be more easily manipulated by the people for the common good; and in leaving transparent functions in the hands of the government the government will remain accountable to the will of the public.

To establish how Yugoslavia may have made a successful transition to democracy we must identify the institutions called for by the public and what institutions were intact after the fall of communism. According to polling cited by V.P Gagnon in The Myth of Ethnic War the vast majority of Yugoslavia was concerned with political and economic reform that would increase the standard of living and “basic economic security” (Gagnon 33).The polling data provided in the second chapter of The Myth of Ethnic War indicates that Yugoslavia was lacking certain basic functions of state, improving equity and a desirable degree of Macroeconomic management. It is clear that the people found certain aspects of their government lacking and demonstrated as much by showing strong support for the federal prime minister, and strong proponent of reform, Ante Markovic; even going as far as to support giving his government (SIV) more power and setting up its own political party (Gagnon 42).All indications from the public showed that the state was moving, or desired to move, toward a greater scope and strength of state functions, much like the rest of Europe (Fukuyama fig.5). For various reasons, illuminated later, Yugoslavia did not achieve its reforms right away. Had the will of the people been properly translated, the ruling elite may have been able to slowly reform and still maintain their power much in the ways the Hungarian elite had (Gagnon 192). In this way the conservative element would have remained in its place, in line with its desires, and the population general would have versions of the liberal policies and institutions they desired.

History makes it clear, however, that the conservative elites in Yugoslavia did not want these reforms to take place unless they were on their terms. As mentioned earlier the general public was largely in favor of liberal political and economic reforms. These reforms were championed in the form of Prime Minister Ante Markovic. In early 1990 Markovic had proven the effectiveness of his reforms by reducing inflation and improving the economy. In July 1990 Markovic created his own political party to further his reform policies. This, and mass political demonstrations in June of that year for the creation of a multiparty system, which in turn generated universal adult suffrage, posed a substantial threat to the conservative order (Gagnon 91). This forced a shift in conservative policy away from recentralization of Yugoslavia to a policy of destruction of Tito’s Yugoslavia and the creation of a new, smaller, centralized state where Yugoslavia used to be (Gagnon 92). Another threat facing the conservative elite hailed from the Serbian Renewal Movement (SPO) lead by Vuk Draskovic. Draskovic was also able to mobilize the greater population against Slobodan Milosevic and the Socialist Party of Serbia (SPS). The conservative response was to create and escalate the violence with the Albanians and divert the country’s attention to the issue of Kosovo (Gagnon 97).

This strategy of using violence to divert the country’s attention away from domestic issues and gain support for an unpopular party is identified by Gagnon as “demobilization” or the imposition of homogeneity on a politically heterogeneous social space (Gagnon 7). In recognizing the damage liberal reforms could have to their conservative positions Milosevic and the SPS pursued this strategy whenever there was popular mobilization against the ruling party. Using the SDS abroad Milosevic was able to spark armed conflict between Serbian guerillas and military and civilians alike in Croatia. Milosevic would then define this conflict in ethnic terms to the outside world and portray it as atrocities against the innocent Serbian population abroad to the Serbs at home (Gagnon 100). Using this method several times Milosevic was able to “silence and marginalize” the opposition. Whenever the population did manage to force multi-party elections in 1991, Milosevic tailored his rhetoric to soothe the masses; using a moderate stance calling for peace and economic stability. However, behind the scenes Milosevic made a deal with Croatian President Tudjman to agree on a division of Bosnia-Herzegovina to assure that he would not be attacked in his weakened position (Gagnon103).

Interestingly, the situation in Croatia was very similar. The ruling party under Franjo Tudjman used many strategies implemented by the SPS. For example, the Croatian Democratic Union (HDZ) right, for there was a deep division within the party, would always present a moderate candidate during elections. In the 1990 election, in lieu of addressing specific issues the HDZ right used the looming threat of Slobodan Milosevic to espouse a party line portraying itself as the only party able to defend Croatia. It was said best by Ivica Racan after the 1990 election “Milosevic’s aggressive policy was the strongest propaganda for Tudjman.”(Gagnon 137). When the war came to a close in 1992 The HDZ right could no longer point to Serb aggressions in Croatia and justify its unpopular policies (Gagnon 153). Even after the war the HDZ right was severely lagging in the polls due to a surprisingly unchanged public sentiment (Gagnon 156). In order to retain leadership the HDZ implemented its strategy of demobilization. It moderated its party line and changed the electoral rules so as to favor the ruling party. The HDZ also took control of, security forces, the media and once again provoked a war in parts of Bosnia (Gagnon 157,157). This strategy of demobilization allowed Tudjman to maintain power until his death in 1999 (Gagnon 173).

The SPS and the HDZ also shared a similar end in that demobilization had reached its limits and was no longer effective in either country. In the case of Serbia it seemed to be a matter of overconfidence. Milosevic had changed the electoral rules and created a popular vote. He also moved up the elections, fully believing that he would win based on his campaign of accusing the opposition of being foreign agents. When it became clear that he was going lose, even in the second round of voting, the SPS annulled the election results and set the election to be held at “sometime in the future.” Milosevic went on to lose the 2000 election (Gagnon127, 128). In the case of Croatia Franjo Tudjman had died and the HDZ right was not forced to front a moderate candidate. This overconfident miscalculation, coupled with the inability to provoke another war, spelled defeat for the HDZ in 2000 (Gagnon 174). By 2000, however, this shift in politics no longer reached the bases of conservative power in either country. During the process of demobilization the elites of the HDZ right and SPS transferred as much of the state’s assets into private ownership as possible, or managed to garner wealth illegally with the help of the federal government (Gagnon 129, 130, 175).

In the spirit of Otto Von Bismarck let us now consider what was possible. What would have been required to achieve a better outcome? We must first examine the public general and what they would have needed to appropriately react to demobilization. They would have first needed to understand the motivations driving the conflicts that were central to the conservative’s strategy of demobilization. If the Serbs had known that the violence in Croatia was generated by the Serbian Democratic Party (SDS) and used as a policy tool to promote unpopular conservative actions at home, the population may have been mobilized against that specifically instead of in favor of general liberal reforms. If the Croatian population had been aware of the HDZ’s method of demobilization, that reflected Serbia’s method, they may have been able to take steps against it specifically. The inability of the masses to effectively resist demobilization until the conservatives were entrenched in the new system may be simply due to human nature. The concerns of the everyday citizen are not for the internal politics of one’s government, but rather the necessities of one’s own existence.

Apathy aside, if the masses were moved to action, what courses of action would be best to resolve the situation as a citizen of an increasingly oppressive regime? A simple solution would have to been to recognize the threat immediately using the Russian conservative response as a precedent (Gagnon 193). Granted that early recognition is achieved, several courses of action are available. The simplest perhaps is the assassination of Milosevic. This not only would have removed him as a political force in Serbia, but would have removed him as the talking point in the HDZ right’s campaign for the 1990 election thus, perhaps averting the entire conflict. However, it is not unreasonable to believe that another person would have simply risen to replace Milosevic and executed virtually the same strategy. Another option would be sustained mass political participation. This does not limit the masses to demonstrations and riots; it also encourages higher voter turnout and greater resistance to the government acquisition of all major forms of media.
Another player in this scenario is the international community in the body of NATO and the United States. There were several things that this community did not understand before weighing in on the situation. They did not understand the motives behind the violence and only understood it as far as Serbian and Croatian media presented it to them, in terms of ethnic conflict (Gagnon 100). It is difficult to imagine that anyone outside the ruling elite at the time would be able to ascertain the true motives of the conservative element; however, such a precedent as Russia did exist so excuses are limited. The International community also failed, due to not understanding the motives and methods of violence, to recognize the effects of their own “peacekeeping efforts.” Indeed, the HDZ right was able to continue its violence in spite of UN peacekeeping troops standing in its country (Gagnon 153). Milosevic was even able to use the UN economic sanctions as a positive factor in his campaign against Panic. He asserted that the sanctions would contribute to the growth of small industries in Serbia (Gagnon 113). Using the efforts of NATO and the United States Milosevic was also able to perpetuate another round of demobilization after the US bombed Belgrade and other military targets. This actually caused some former opposition members to rally around Milosevic (Gagnon 125,126).

It is clear from the results of foreign intervention that many mistakes were made. The international community failed to fully understand the situation before it became involved. In retrospect it may have been difficult to fully understand the extent of the conservative’s plans, but, once again, the polling data was available and Russia was a non case example of a similar conservative reaction that, by the time the International community intervened, could have been understood. Again, based on knowledge the foreign powers should have had, economic sanctions should have been constructed to make it clear that the HDZ right and SPS were the confrontational factors in this conflict and that their discontinuation and absolution should have been assured before the sanctions were lifted. It is also the opinion of the author and Herb Cohen, author of You Can Negotiate Anything, that ultimatums are rarely if ever effective tools in generating a positive response from the opposing side. Hence, the United States’ use of an ultimatum, “sign a peace agreement or face military action”, was foolish and resulted in major setbacks for the opposition (Gagnon 125).

“Politics is the art of the possible”, indeed there were many things possible in deference to the supposed “ethnic war” in Yugoslavia. A strong state with a narrow scope would have provided the transparency needed to establish a strong base for state development; and by all indications that’s where Yugoslavia was headed. However, the violent response, and efforts to demobilize the population, of the conservative elites in the SPS and HDZ right prevented such growth from occurring until said conservatives were comfortably entrenched in the new form of society. Had the people had the appropriate knowledge of the motives of their governments they may have been mobilized in a more specific way to counter the conservative response. Finally, the international community was not adequately knowledgeable to take truly effective action in Serbia and Croatia without first giving each respective country room to commit further acts of violence and demobilization. If the reader will allow me to expand upon this, we too have experienced such demobilization. Indeed, Fukuyama identifies the United States’ use of the tragedy of 9/11 to bolster its support in what has become very destructive legislation and gross infringements on our rights as Americans, al a Patriot act. The most recent example of demobilization has occurred in Pakistan and it follows a similar pattern outlined by Gagnon. Pakistan's President Pervez Musharraf has donned civilian clothes, to moderate his message, and declared a state of emergency, to demobilize his competition and control the timing of the election. All of which seems very similar to Milosevic’s campaign strategy. It is my opinion that the “populism” is constantly being turned on and off by the mischiefs of “elitism”; to borrow some phrasing from the Federalists and Martin Diamond if I may, but there is hope because in the end the people will get what they want, one way or another.

Works cited

Fukuyama,Francis. 2004. State Building: Governance and World Order in the 21st Century. Ithaca,New York: Cornell Press.

Gagnon,V.P ,jr. 2004. The Myth of Ethnic War:Serbia and Croatia in the 1990s. Ithaca,New York: Cornell Press.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Yo

Just letting all of you know I have updated my photo albums so follow the link to picasa on the left

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Deutschland

I know it has been a long time since my last post and I'm sure all of my loyal fans out there have been flipping franticlly through the archives in hopes of divining the hour of my return. Well fear no more I have returned from my sojourn to Germany and I have many a tale to tell. Many of which I am too lazy to write so when I get the urge you will see the results later. However for the time being I will give you an overview of my four week stay in the land of Beer.Or Deutschland which roughly translated means kick-ass beer (lol).
I spent four weeks in a town north of Frankfurt called Stockhausen. I attended the Goethe Schule in Wetzlar as well as the extracurriculars at the Poco. Also on the this trip I visted many a castle and old towns includeing Weilburg,Braunfels, Wetzlar,Frankfurt,Heidelburg,the Rhein area, and some other places whos names elude me. I'm sure you'll see my exchange student comment and maybe if you send him money he'll tell you all the secrets of the unknown towns of Germany. I also visited the Speyer Auto and Technik Museum and saw an entire Ferrari collection as well as a ton of other cars. I will post a gallery here or on my Picasa albums.
The highlight of the trip was found quite a ways east in the area of Leipzig called With Full Force. This is a metal festival of which I have written extensively but will post later because it is currently sitting in a notebook and not on my computer. Needless to say this was a three day orgy of metal and alcohol capped by an exquisitly rainy and slightly hung over days worth of travel home.
In upcomomg posts will include the wonder that is my exchange partners mother, With Full Force of course, the Auto and technik museum and the things I wrote while I was over there, as well as my encounter with an American Soldier. So don't be a stranger be sure to comment and hey this n00b finally got a facebook so look him up under the nam. This is a fake name I use so as not reveal my true identity. O yes there will also be a lengthy discourse on beer so stay tuned.

Friday, July 20, 2007

We gotsta step it up

I am an avid viewer of Youtube for some time and as you know I am also an automotive enthusiast. So through the wonder of YouTube I have been able to satiate my desire for car pron. I have noticed though that on the underground racing scene that imports seem to be dominating domestics granted you can find videos of domestics beating ricers as well, but that's not the point. Anyone who is anyone obviously knows what a Supra is and what it can do. For those of you who have forgotten here's a video.


The problem is that these people build these cars and go out and smoke American cars and then post videos on the internet. Don't get me wrong American cars kick ass there is nothing I like more than the roar of an American V-8, but as owners and drivers of these cars we have to learn to pick the races we can win. Sure stock Mustangs and Camaros are great in fact here's a video of some pretty awesome F-Bodies just to prove the awesome factor.



But as owners of these cars we have to be careful because stock v stock an SS Camaro or a Mustang Gt should and is able to beat a Stock Japanese muscle car like the Supra or the Skyline. However, what happens is that these "tuners" get a pile of bolt ons and go out and beat stock American muscle and think that because they have done so not only are they the most amazing people in the world, but that American cars are shit. However, if you were to line up similarly modified American and Japanese cars the American car would probably win, but at that point its more on the skill of the tuners and not a nationalistic issue so back off.

So here's what needs to happen all of you who own American muscle you need to modify these cars and go smoke a Japanese car of similar build then post videos all over the internet so as to restore the pride of the American Muscle car.

Friday, July 13, 2007

The Nessesity of Beer to Facilitate Confident Social Interaction

As promised I will now give my discourse on beer. I have recently been to Germany and experienced the wonder that is beer. You see in America the legal drinking age is 21 years old and between that and a slight paranoia complex I had not attempted beer in my measly 18 years of life.

Within 48 hours my exchange partner rectified this situation. We traveled into Wetzlar to a seedy club called the Poco. I must admit I was a bit apprehensive. I was not sure how I would react to beer or how much I could take. I did not know if I would be a friendly drunk or if I would try to pick a fight with that muscle bound bald guy standing at the table below me. My first two beers were of a local brand called Licher, and what I wouldn't do to have one right now, anyway. At first the taste was bitter, but I grew to enjoy the flavor. After the first two I began to feel the effects, but not to any inhibiting extreme. After that my exchange partner, Julian, and some friends were passing around a bottle of Franfurter Apfel Wein. This shit is good to say the least, but they tell me that not many people outside of Hessen enjoy it. ApfelWein is a cider and it is very enjoyable.

I was not smashed however, and in retrospect probably this was a shame. I was drunk enough to enjoy the journey to the restroom as well as being delightfully surprised at the increased ability to speak German, however my english suffered. when I was clearer of mind I began to think about the kinds of things one would be able to accomplish with my former level of disinhibition. I believe that beer may be the key for that silent and introverted kid to finally get a girlfriend or for that shy guy to finally join the group. I've also discovered that skateboarding and driving do not improve with alcohol, schade. I know that not everyone is affected the same way with beer and some tend to become depressive. But I do believe that beer can be used to overcome social anxiety.

Although beer is a wonderful social lubricant one must be careful not imbibe too much or else one turns into a drooling slob that no one wants to talk to. So when you go drinking think of what you intend to do while drunk. Is your purpose for drinking to loosen up a little? Maybe its to dull a headache before going to a concert, or maybe your goal is to get shitfaced. See below for instructions on how to be shitfaced. I've written something longer and a bit more in depth, but as it is I doubt I've held your attention so this aught to suffice. Stay tuned for my next post from Germany.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Do you Ubuntu?

As some of you know I am a Linux user. I use Ubuntu linux the Dapper Drake version. I must say I love it. It does not crash, It does what I say, it's secure. Its great for pron. ITS FREE! like free beer. I have a friend who has used Linux and then switched back to Windows for some reason or another here is a recent converstation with him
(21:51:57) J2p2f2: i miss it, im going back
(21:52:20) Lightningcount48: ?
(21:52:27) J2p2f2: ubuntu
(21:52:33) Lightningcount48: lol
(21:52:33) J2p2f2: windows is killing me right now
(21:52:41) J2p2f2: with its compatibility and whatnot
(21:52:48) J2p2f2: ive been restoring my computer for hours
(21:53:19) Lightningcount48: just bomb it and you will be free go on Jeff just listen to the Linux demon in your head. You know you want the Penguin
(21:53:39) J2p2f2: i want, no i need the penguin!!
(21:54:31) J2p2f2: im narcing my entire hard drive, all data will be zeros! no more ones!
(21:54:55) Lightningcount48: that's right now more nasty window's ones just friendly Unix like ones


That's right he's having a crack addiction like withdrawl. In fact I had to wait to write this part to run of to his house and give him the adrenalin shot which can be found a www.ubuntu.com or org or something like that. Fight the man make your computer free!

Yeah so about that

So I got my first speeding ticket today for doing 47 in a 35 zone. Wow how lame is that? Its a good thing I didn't get busted on the Highway.
To boot I was in the lamest car in the world. Its a $131.50 This includes funding for a number of things set an arbitrary value. i didn't even get the curtousy warning! No here's your fine. Damn it I didn't give the guy any problems it took me a minute to notice the lights in my mirror but its not like he honked at me. I was watching the kid on the road ahead to make sure I didn't hit him. Then he gives me a little friction for pulling into a parking lot. Hello I acknowledged you by putting on the fourways and its my right to be safely off the road and in a safe public place in case you're a fake. Jeesh white guys don't get breaks either so fuck you

Friday, May 11, 2007

Props to the pimp



When someone mentions a pimp many dirty things come to mind, drugs, exploitation,hedonism. These are some strong misconceptions proliferated by the media. To really understand "The Game" you must first realize that, if you're white, it is very hard to understand unless you are born to or you have an in. Sure Pimps take all the money from their Hos and sometimes a bitch has to get slapped, but that's part of the game and what people fail to understand is that it is a mutual thing."Pimps don't need hos and hos don't need pimps." You see a Pimp is more than some random guy dumping a bitch on the street and taking her money at the end of the night. I personally thought that this was the case and it often confused me as to why a woman would put up with that. But a Pimp is more than that a Pimp is a hos financial manager, best friend and a teacher.
When a pimp goes scouting for a ho he looks for a few things. He looks for the stoner, the waif, the directionless woman. Some may say these men are predadtors and amongst themselves Pimps will readily agree that being a predadtor is how you get a ho. Once a Pimp has a ho he needs to control her mind. Again that sounds terrible, but that's how the relationship has to be if the woman wants to get taken care of. And that's what Pimps do they take care of their hos. They get them off the drugs and away from the gangs. A ho needs to be clean she needs to be smart she needs to be able get that trick and take everything for her Pimp. In return the Pimp is there to protect her; he posts her bail when she gets caught by the police, he puts a roof over her head and feeds her kids, he buys her nice clothes. Sure he takes all of the money for himself and lives a rather lavish life, but its hard work managing for a ho and imagine doing it for over eight hos. That's the way it has to be for the relationship to work if a ho doesn't give the Pimp all the money then how is the Pimp supposed to help the ho if she's in trouble.
A Pimps life isn't easy not only does he have to manage the ho he has to make sure that he doesn't get knocked. Its a challenging game to play and hos are free to choose their Pimps so its the job of the Pimp to make sure shes happy and knows what she's doing. He has to teach her how to turn the tricks how to get the man and most importantly how to get the money.
I have by no means covered every aspect of Pimping and if you want to know more I reccomend a movie called American Pimp. This movie will enlighten you on all that is "Pimpology" and give you some insight from the real Pimps of the world not those "Macks" that you see on TV and in the movies.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

I'm very conflicted: Honda Hybrid ::wet condition trials::

I'm sure you all remember my post about my speed records with the Dodge Neon SRT-4. I love this car. Its torquey and has a lot of spirit, it handles like its on rails and the engine sounds aggressive and satisfying. The SRT-4 is a fun car to drive; a real thrill a minute machine. The only problem is we no longer own it. That's right my father sold his fun as hell Dodge Neon SRT-4. To add insult to injury he bought a Honda. On top of my already battered and broken shell he also bought it in Hybrid form and its the color of boogers. I was against it, morally opposed and venomously outraged to say the least....then I drove it.


The first thing I noticed was how far away the front of the car felt to me. The front is actually shorter than the SRT-4's, but because the digital speedo is so far away it felt otherwise. I then noticed how quiet it was, I was still disappointed every car needs to have good sound and this one didn't. I then backed it out of my drive way and noticed that I couldn't see over my headrest, no big deal really, then I tapped the brakes. These fuckers are sensitive right out of the box and it was weird feeling not being able to regulate my speed as precisely as I would have liked, but I must give them props because they do their job well. The next thing I noticed as I started forward were the controls. The controls are fluid and intuitive. Radio and Cruise are conveniently on the steering wheel. Upon my first full stop I noticed that the car shut itself off. I was told this would happen but I was still surprised at how seamless it was, granted there is a slight lag at engine start, but its nothing really. after turning onto a road I floored it and I was not impressed. The hybrid,as expected, has no spirit juice, no go go power, it just accelerated smoothly and boringly. Then I noticed it wasn't shifting. Again I was told it wouldn't, but the CVT transmission baffled me. I understand, fundamentally how it works, but its implementation is rather surprising. The next thing i noticed was seat comfort and ride noise. This is where the car really shines. It is a comfortable and roomy car, that in reality is very small. It is quiet and the ride is serene, yet agile as I commenced cornering and braking tests. To reiterate this car is magic when it comes to handling, It is not as harsh as the SRT-4's rail like reflexes,but it was still able to attack corners with precise balance. I the took it to the highway to see if it really could hang. I merged and jumped the passing lane without fear, then I stuck the pedal to the floor. There it was again, lackadaisical acceleration, but before you knew it the car was approaching one hundred miles an hour and the RPM band was inching closer to the red line. Once again I cannot emphasize enough how smooth that process was! Not once did I even feel apprehensive, the car was very stable and totally without shift shock. The brakes were phenomenal in bringing the car down to only ten miles over the speed limit and it was confident in aggressive lane changes.

To bring my disjointed review to summation. The only thing this car lacks is tire shredding spirit, but it makes up for it in balance, comfort, and handling. I'm sure if this hybrid were to gain a turbo charger it might be the perfect car. I'm still having mixed feelings. I've always felt it was my patriotic duty to buy American, but after this everything I've driven before seems harsh and unrefined. I don't know what I'm going to do.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

What's the deal with China?


I feel that this will become a very pertinent issue sooner than later. China is a market waiting to break onto the scene. The government of China has been holding its own currency down and when (not if) they let it loose a flood of foriegn investment will swamp the country. Everyone will benefit from the insane high wealth provides, but then we will forget the lessons of the past and it will all come crashing down on us. Feel free to discuss with me this generalized analysis of the future.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

The lull

During this lull in posting I highly reccommend rooting through my archives. In the archives one will find comedy and enlightenment so as I continue to neglect the blog please read it in its entirety and then press refresh until there is new content.

PS: I'm in Ubuntu Linux now and there is no going back. I'll rave about it later.


God I hope these are all women

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Speed records stand as thus

Chrysler Cirrus(or Chrysler Shitbox)105 mph-Governed by computer


Chevy Suburban:


95 mph-Sustained that shit gets hot

Dodge Neon SRT-4:
120 mph-Its still got more in it


This has been a full record of my Hoonery. Please share with me a story of your favorite Hooning experiance.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Would you?

1.Would you kill someone who was in so much pain that they begged you to kill them?

me: probably not, it would hurt me to see them dying, but to know that I was responsible for their death may be to much for me to handle. That might be a problem with humans we are illogical when it comes to life. Life is in such a great surplus, but we seem to hold almost every life we come into contact with dear. I don't know what our problem is.....

you?:(This is where you comment)

2.Would you lie to protect a friend?

me: If they were a really good friend, then I would lie my ass off, otherwise I'm ratting the rest of you out.

you?(comment please)

3.Would you wipe your ass with a Benjamin and stuff it in your Comp Sci teacher's mouth because he/she/it never really seems to know what he/she/it is doing?

me: Yes I've contemplated it many times and I came to terms with the realization that it might be worth $100 just to see his/her/its face with a shitty Benjamin in his/her/its mouth

you?(you know the drill)

4.What would you do if your son got another girl pregnant?(If you are without children speak hypothetically)

me: I would give the bastard two options. You either stay with that girl and father that child to the fullest extent of your abilities or you can go to military school and most of the money you make for the next 18 years of that child's life will go towards that child.

you:(still need the comment)

5.What would you do if your daughter became pregnant.(If you are without children speak hypothetically)

me:find the father and find out what kind of parent he's going to be. Either way the terd monkey is going to pay.

6.Would you answer six questions on a blog?

me: Yes of course especially if its my own,

you:(you best be commentin)

Friday, March 9, 2007

"You're an ignorant ass"

I have recently received a comment that proclaims that I am an ignorant ass(see previous post). First off I would like to thank Anonymous for reading my blog. I look forward to hearing more of your wonderful commentary. The use of the word ignorant bugs me just a bit. It seems to be a popular word here in Pennsylvania to use when someone is being snide or immature or just giving someone a hard time. None of these things, to me at least, fit the definition of ignorance, as long as ignorance still means a lack of knowledge.Sometimes this word is pronounced "ignernt", which is how I envision this snaggly tooth commenter saying it. I do however concede that I am sometimes an ass. I do not understand how the comment relates to my blog posting. Given my recent history in posting I have an idea what it is related to. In fact I remember writing that comment one morning at about 2 or 3 after putting the line at Panera Bread to bead. In my defense I had virtually no inhibition at the time for reasons not to be discussed. After looking at the post when completely lucid I realized what an ass I truly had been. However, this last comment has made it totally clear to me. Thank you Anonymous for enlightening me on my assyness. If you would like to donate money to the Church of the Enlightened Pig please drop your donation off in my locker. Thank you for your comments and I would like to apologize for any mental or social stress my malicious comment has caused you.

A little piece of Tom Hoonery

The other night I joined the 180 kph club, for all you Americans out there that's about 110 mph. To comemorate the occasion I felt I should share a picture of the car that took me there! The Dodge Neon SRT-4!!!!

I later did a measley 100 mph in a Chrysler Cirrus but that shit gets loopy quick

Saturday, March 3, 2007

WTF NASCAR!

What is it with people and NASCAR? It seems to be the only thing the Speed channel actually cares about covering. They even have a countdown to the Nextel Cup series. What is that. Its just a bunch of cars loosely based on cars that you and I drive. They go around in a circle and every now and then they run into each other. I don't see how anyone considers this drama. Once in a while a driver will get pissed off and kick someone else's car and then be fined for it by the Nazis that run NASCAR. Let's talk about that for a second. NASCAR has its roots in the days of moon shining. These beer runner had to have a car that would outrun a cop car, but back in the day there were only a few cars to choose from let alone fast ones. These illegal smugglers of alcoholic delights would do their own engine mods including, boring and stroking and piston head mods. When these smugglers had down time they decided to see who built the faster car so they set to racing. People came to watch eventually, and NASCAR was born. These days NASCAR is putting its foot down on people they think are cheating. These cheaters are using aerodynamic modifications, and fuel additives to create as much speed as possible. They have also implemented restrictor plate racing and other fun killing rules. I think one NASCAR should not exsist as sport, sure the drivers sit in the cars for hours on end and sweat off ten or twelve pounds, but all they do is turn left. NASCAR I also believe has lost sight of its history. It was invented by cheaters let everyone cheat as long as the wheels are covered and the cars are considered stock cars. Let the teams just go balls out no restrictor plates, as much fuel additives as the engine can handle, anything for a victory.

So it is my churches official opinion that NASCAR should not be as popular as it is or a sport for that matter, men should not beat their wives, and sports car street track racing should be the norm.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Another reason to Join my Church

Due to my inexplicable ability to be correct I have devised a way to fix social security. I call it the "Family System." The following essay thingy is unorganized and unrevised so just go for understanding and put the mechanics of the English Language out of your mind.



For decades policy makers have avoided or failed to address the Social Security problem decisively. Now the buck stops here. I have devised a solution that has the ability to withstand the test of time, bring back the nuclear family, and encourage good parenting.
The first step of course is to abolish Social Security as we know it. This new plan calls for the children of the family to support their parents in retirement. When a citizen first enters the work force an account will be set up for the parents of the worker. A small percent of the worker's paycheck will then pay into this account and be made available to the parents upon retirement. The percentage per paycheck should not exceed the expense of one dollar unless the worker wishes to add more to their parent's account.
This system leaves open the question of: What is a parent anyway? The definition of parent for this program will be the adult or adults that live with and provide for he worker until they have completed his or her education and have filed independently on their taxes.
Upon the retirement of the parents, a citizen may sue their parents for the account on the grounds of inadequate expenditure upon development, which includes schooling, medical expenses, and other reasonable expenses one might incur in rearing a child. In the event of a lawsuit a panel will investigate the childhood of the plaintiff and look particularly into the possibility of neglect or abuse. Should the plaintiffs claims be well founded, the account will be awarded as punitive damages. However, if the plaintiff's claims are not extenuating enough, for example:disciplinary actions not amounting to abuse, or other other parenting tactics, the plaintiff will be assessed all legal fees and be forced to pay up to five dollars more a paycheck into their parent's account.
Also upon retirement if the parents feel they have accumulated enough wealth to sustain themselves through retirement, the parents may choose to turn the contents of the account over to their children to do with as they please. Should parents become divorced the retirement account will be given to the primary caregiver and the ousted parent will be forced to pay into their own account.
The amount each worker will pay into their parent's retirement account will vary with the amount of children in the immediate household so as to discourage the rampant proliferation of children.If a household has chosen to adopt, they must first be screened and prove that they are financially and generally secure enough to support a child with the intent to send the child to a state university. A family may not adopt beyond their means in order to garner more sources of income for their account. The same rules apply as above.
If both parents should die, God forbid, before retirement the account will be divided among the remaining children. The same will also be done when eternity finally catches up with both parents.
If an individual does not marry, for one must be married to have children, the individual will be entirely responisible for securing his or her own retirement. After retirement the account may be accessed by the parents and the workers are no longer required to pay into it. As this point the worker may pay into his or her own account.
Organizational issues aside, this plan will encourage the return of a strong nuclear family. With the penalties for poor parenting, parents will be encouraged to provide better opportunities for their children, and now that the retirement account is tied to the ethical treatment of the child, abuse cases will become less frequent. This system will also last because it is not related to the amount of young workers as opposed to retirees. This system shrinks the unit of support to the immediate family and will avoid the pitfalls found in the baby boomer generation; did I just say that? Its true that the money accumulated from a workers check may not be enough to solely support a retired couple, however this encourages savvy investing if not just simple savings. With this plan Americans will know to whom their money is going. With this plan we can start building a stronger America.


Now that wasn't so bad I know you are just itching to see my education reforms, but I'm way too lazy to type it right now so you'll just have to keep hitting refresh until new content comes up.
Let me know what you think e-mail me or comment for further discussion.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

You know what's annoying

People who read your blog and don't comment. Just give me something to read about for Christs sake. I obviously have no life so just copy a wiki page and leave it on my comments i don't care. read an entry I've written and comment on it jeez is there anyone out there if so you must be Retarded because you can't comment!

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Welcome to the Church

Welcome to the Church of the Enlightened Pig. Do you feel empty despite having everything anyone could possibly want in the world? Do you feel that there is something missing something that no one can understand and that no god can fill? If any of this could be remotely true about you I believe you have stumbled into the right church.

Here at the Church of the Enlightened Pig (or CEP) we believe in a few hazy, rough draft quality, precepts upon which to base our devotion. "One must become empty so as to become filled"-and "Without food the pig will die" these are simple concepts to submit to. To explain the second one first; you are the pig. Your life is as cluttered as a pig. Inside you there is a sty overflowing with slop and not matter how much you eat you are still filthy. This is the first step to accepting the teachings of the Brotedeara. So what you must do is stop feeding this pig. Cease all gathering of money and worldly possessions.Spend no more of your money on substantial goods. This will aid in the starving of the pig, or your unclean inner self. Next go to your check book and write a check for all of its contents out to cash and send it to :


Student:894557 Homeroom: 12

Hollidaysburg Area Senior High
1510 North Montgomery Street
Hollidaysburg, PA 16648


After this you must turn over the deed to your house, if you own it, to the same address. If you do not own your home stop paying rent to the pig that is your landlord and move to a state park, but not before turning over the title of your car to the above address. Before you send any of these items to me you must first create an LLC in your area and sign it over to me then mail me all of the paperwork for your company along with all of your worldy assests. Once this simple process is complete you will be ready for Enlightenlemt. By the time you are done purging your sty you will no longer own a computer so you must go to a public library to recieve further instruction.


Remember this will lead you to eternal happiness and Enlightenment turn over all of your worldly assests, in the form of salestax free LLCs, and you will be on the path. TO become truely happy you must render all possessions unto the Brotedeara, which can be e-mailed through the given address at this blog or reached by the address given above. Piece my brothers and sisters in the struggle for Enlightenment should you need my guidence feel free to contact me.


Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Predictions about the American Auto Industry

I'm sure all of you are aware of the troubles that are trouble Daimler-Chrysler. If not let's just say that Daimler-Chrysler is seriously considering closing down or selling out its American branch. It is obvious to anyone who is in the know,as I am, that this is the beginning of the death spiral for the American auto industry. Get out today because it is not going to turn around. I may goes as far as to predict that with in two years Daimler Chrysler will have ceased to exsist as it does in the US and GM will be quick to follow once Chrysler goes under. I hate Fords, but I think that it might be able to hang on for a couple more years or even somehow to manage to remain alive in an increasingly orientally oriented industry. So good luck to all you hoons out there looking for American Muscle. Get it while you can and enjoy it because American Muscle may be on its way out/

Monday, February 19, 2007

The Church of the Enlightened Pig

Yeah I'm starting a new church there will be more on it later as I slowly gain motivation. Oh yeah and I solved the social security problem.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Another Convo with ScttyDg!

I would like to thank David Recker for saving this convo for all of us to share on my wonderful blog!


ScottyDg842 (11:39:40 AM): hey

recker5000 (11:39:42 AM): hey

//I can see Recker's thoughts now "Why the fuck is he talking to me?"

ScottyDg842 (11:39:51 AM): how goes life?

recker5000 (11:40:09 AM): pretty good actually

//Notice Recker does not wish to elaborate so as to end the conversation however Scott doesn't notice and continues.

ScottyDg842 (11:40:51 AM): so, I learned that it only takes 5 shots of 151 to get me to make out with a guy(my girlfriend has photographic evidence apparently)

recker5000 (11:41:05 AM): wow thats pretty bad

//This is totally shocking. we had always expected Scott to be left of center, but why on earth would you want to tell anyone "HEY LOOK WHO I DID WHEN I WAS DRUNK AND IT WASN'T A GIRL!!! plus his "girlfriend,who might be a man," was watching....::ugh::

recker5000 (11:41:10 AM): i dont think id ever make out with a guy

//let alone tell anyone about it

ScottyDg842 (11:41:27 AM): I had 2 shots of vodka and some scotch too

recker5000 (11:41:33 AM): wow

ScottyDg842 (11:41:59 AM): I was the drunkest person in the room by far, I ended up spending the last out in the bathroom puking

recker5000 (11:42:07 AM): damn lol

//At this point Recker is baffled as to why Scott is talking to him still the letter opener on the desk looks very inviting...

ScottyDg842 (11:42:35 AM): I fell over like 3 times (I still say the room moved, not me)

//I think Scott is trying to be funny, but is once again failing

recker5000 (11:42:40 AM): haha

//this laugh is purely complimentary

ScottyDg842 (11:43:01 AM): oh, and my friend who is only 18 bought the alchol, I was with him

ScottyDg842 (11:43:10 AM): I was cracking up so hard when we got in the car

recker5000 (11:43:45 AM): lol where did you get it from? like a convenience store?

ScottyDg842 (11:43:51 AM): yeah

recker5000 (11:43:55 AM): sweet

recker5000 (11:43:58 AM): stupid indians

//For future reference do not try to make a funny to a person like this, they won't understand especially if the funny isn't that funny.

ScottyDg842 (11:44:15 AM): the guy was white

recker5000 (11:45:13 AM): oh, i kind of figured indians cuz you know the sterotype

recker5000 (11:45:15 AM): nevermind lol

//2 seconds later and Scott doesn't get it. ::clap::

ScottyDg842 (11:47:20 AM): it was kinda funny, we had like 5 random groups of teenagers stop by and place orders for stuff

recker5000 (11:47:28 AM): haha

ScottyDg842 (11:49:03 AM): when like 2 of them walked in I just went "Who the fuck are you?"

//What? What does this have to do with anything

recker5000 (11:49:10 AM): lol

ScottyDg842 (11:49:46 AM): alice had a great look on her face when she walked in and realized we had 200 sitting on the table and a list of shit to get

//Scott's man/girlfriend is an alcoholic...that's how Scott always ends up recieving

recker5000 (11:50:09 AM): heh

ScottyDg842 (11:50:10 AM): because he bought it, it all only cost us 60 bucks

ScottyDg842 (11:50:17 AM): nice little profit

//O way to pay for it you bad ass you. Next time pay in change that'll show `em.

recker5000 (11:50:32 AM): yeah lol

ScottyDg842 (11:51:20 AM): and tonight I am heading out to a concert at like 8

recker5000 (11:51:44 AM): sweet is it a well known band or a local one?

ScottyDg842 (11:51:51 AM): known, deerhoof

//By known he means local and known only to him

recker5000 (11:52:36 AM): never heard of em

ScottyDg842 (11:52:57 AM): basically, they are a bnad that is really high who just happen to play in unison

//Or its a tea kettle and some pots and pans you bang together when you are high

recker5000 (11:53:14 AM): haha

ScottyDg842 (11:54:50 AM): so how has everything been going?

//Wasn't this question already answered?

recker5000 (11:54:59 AM): pretty good

recker5000 (11:55:11 AM): not much happening down here

recker5000 (12:03:52 PM): well, i gtg

recker5000 (12:04:01 PM): ill ttyl

//fairly decent exit depending on how you want to proceed in the future you might not want to say ttyl or you may run the risk of actually talking to him later. But if you're goal is to fuck with him ttyl is a great exit stratagy.Or at this point Recker has sunk the letter opener into his chest and is now gasping his last breaths, send his family some flowers

ScottyDg842 (12:04:05 PM): seeya around

ScottyDg842 is away at 12:20:26 PM.

ScottyDg842 signed off at 1:46:49 PM.

ScottyDg842 signed on at 1:51:05 PM.

ScottyDg842 returned at 1:56:43 PM.

ScottyDg842 is idle at 2:16:41 PM.

ScottyDg842 is no longer idle at 2:22:40 PM.

ScottyDg842 is idle at 3:19:57 PM.

ScottyDg842 is no longer idle at 3:37:33 PM.

ScottyDg842 is away at 4:19:05 PM.

ScottyDg842 signed off at 5:43:54 PM.

ScottyDg842 signed on at 5:47:47 PM.

ScottyDg842 signed off at 5:55:53 PM.

ScottyDg842 signed on at 6:00:04 PM.

ScottyDg842 returned at 6:58:34 PM.

ScottyDg842 signed off at 7:36:02 PM.

//and someone didn't close the window



Once again thankyou for sending me this convo I greatly appreciate it. Unfortunatley I was never great friends with Scott so he isn't compelled to talk to me, but if he happens to talk to you send teh convo my way for comment.
Also please read my manual on how to drive and stay between the lines on the right hand side of the road. Hopefully I will be getting a religious show down if David Sill will just attach it and send it to me the lazy bastard!

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

How to Drive



This is going to be the first in a few part installments on driving. I understand many of you are under the illusion that you are a "good" drivers. This for almost 87% of you is not true so you must be re-educated. Let's start at the basics of driving and then the course will move to more advanced techniques.

  1. Look at your car-
    • are the tires inflated? Not only do inflated tires increase fuel economy. It reduces the risk of you losing traction in adverse weather conditions and looking like a total n00b in front of all of the new friends you just made via car crash!
    • Is your car clean inside and out. Having a dirty ass car will get you no ass! go figure. Please wash your car so when people accidentally touch it they do not receive eczema . Be clean inside too your friends do not want to wallow in all of your shit as you drive them to school or to the movies. and once again if there is no room in the back seat to do it; you're not gonna do it.
2. Take time to adjust
    • Adjust the seat,
    • adjust the mirrors
    • adjust the radio
    • adjust your attitude
    • adjust your passanger's attitude
    • adjust your face ( do not apply makeup while driving)
    • make sure this is all done before you move the car.
3. Become familiar with the instrumentation of your car.
    • Locate your speedometer-this shows how fast you are going. Do not try to go as fast as it says you can go until you have completed my course.
    • locate the RPM gauge-this tells you how many revolutions per minute your engine is cranking out. The numbers read in increments of 1000 not 1. If the RPMs are high and you aren't doing it on purpose you are doing something wrong or you are driving and Audi 3000 (which is no longer possible so you must be a idiot)
    • Locate the fuel gauge-this indicates how much go juice you have. When the light comes on you have about 20-39 miles before you die. Fill the tank and don't reach the redline
    • Locate oil pressure gauge-this shows how much pressure is placed on the oil at any given time. If it is high and you aren't touching the gas pedal aggressively or at all you're about to explode! fix it
    • Locate the fuel door indicator arrow-this points to the side of the car the fuel door is on. You look really retarded when you pull up to a pump and realize that you are on the wrong side.
    • Locate:Additional gauges:: Vaccum Gauge-this indicates how efficiently your car is taking in air. You will find these now a days on turbocharged vehicles. the left side of the zero indicates "suck" or air is being pulled into the engine. The right side of the gauge indicates "blow" or the pressure of the air being forced into your engine. If your gauge reads 30 psi and you time your turbo to go that high without additional modification you will explode. if your gauge is reading that and you don't have a turbo that means there is a raccoon squeezing a puffer fish into your intake manifold and you need to chase him out right away!
    • Locate volt meter-this show how many volts your battery is putting out. If you have no volts your car will not start. Jump the car and drive it for half an hour if the volts don't go up it might be your alternator being plundered for copper by the smurfs in your air filter.
3. Know everything about your car. (get some coffee and go to the restroom this is gonna be long)
    • sit in your car and look around find the following
      • lights (flick them on and off a million times make sure they go bright and all that)
      • windshield wiper(flick them a bunch of times too after running some water on the windshield just to make sure they work)
      • observe how the car is put into gear (for all intents and purposes we'll assume you drive an automatic because you are probably stupid) you will see somewhere an idicator for the gear you have selected in the form of PRND 32L the numbers may change depending on the car, but thats how it should look let's look one at a time
        • P-is for park this disengages the flywheel and locks the transmission, but is not a fail safe for stopping use your parking brake it locks the wheels become familiar with it
        • R-is for reverse this makes your car go backwards in case you forgot what reverse means. This engages a squareish gear in the front of the transmission that makes the wheels go backwards. DO NOT PUT IT IN REVERSE AND EXPECT TO GO FORWARD please check to make sure you aren't retarded.
        • N-is neutral this disengages the flywheel, but does not lock the transmission. Your car can roll in neutral and rev in neutral.(you can rev in park too but its pretty pointless) Neutral has its uses but for now don't use it
        • D-means drive. this will engage the flywheel and make your car roll forward. To keep this from happening use the brake to hold the car back. If you don't know where your brake is get out of your car and find the nearest ball point pen and shove it your eye and never get near a car again. When you push the gas pedal your car will accelerate, go faster forward dumbass. If you don;t know what a gas pedal is see above instructions. the drive will allow the transmission to shift as the computer sees fit if you pound the gas the computer will drop it into the lowest gear possible and open the throttle as wide as the factory governors will allow. most automatics have four gears and it depends on the car at what speed it will shift, but just trust it to do it. You need to worry about he complexities of steering, let the car shift.
        • 32L-these allow the driver to better select a gear. Given that you are not a good driver; don't worry about these yet I'll explain them later.
      • After finding PRND32L now look for your seat belt. This will keep your dumbass from dieing more often than not, so please wear it I don't want your guts on my lawn when you smash into a tree out front.
      • Locate the steering wheel. This turns the car and allows you to do really neato things like avoid old people and better aim for the neighbors dog. Adjust the wheel to your comfort if you like. Don't tamper with it or it will explode and you'll have to pay mad cash to replace it or get a cheap unsafe wheel. On the wheel you my find funny looking buttons. They do niffty things(really they do) but you are probably to dumb to use them and steer at the same time so don't worry about them just yet.
      • find the mechanism that engages the PRND32L options. This is important.
      • once these are found you are ready to turn the car on. Find you key and place it in the ignition. Once in the ignition turn the key and the engine will turn over and start. If you can't turn the key, that means you have a push button start, which means you probably own a New Altima or Maxima which, despite being sedate and well rounded cars, are too much car for your stupid ass, so down grade to 4 cylinder Neon Cavalier or Camry so as not to strain your brain.
    • Now that you know where everything is you must now turn the car on and listen.
      • Do you hear your engine? If you don't that means its not on.
      • are there any strange grinding sounds? That means somethings wrong and you need to get the mice out from under the valve cover.
      • If you own a Chrysler and you hear a clicking sound, don't worry, those are just the little elves that the Chrysler company conscripted from the north pole to hit the cylinders up and down so you are going to be fine.
      • next smell your car, is anything burning that shouldn't be, of course you wouldn't know so if it smells like sulfur turn the car off and call the mechanic your clutch is slipping, or you A/C or a number of other things are going wrong.
    • Seriously know your car.
      • what is the make and model year for example Make::Chevrolet model::Cavalier year:: 1999
      • know how much horsepower you have
      • read the owners manual it tells you all about the car! Funny thing that is
      • Know how much air goes in the tires
      • Know when to change the oil
      • Know what normal is for all of the gauges
      • Know whether or not you have power steering, this determines the level of stupid you are allowed to commit which right now is none
      • If your car comes from the eighties and isn't a Camaro or Mustang get rid of it its probably shit by now seeing as most cars from that time started life as a piece of shit.
      • Know the history behind your car. ex. if you drive a 300C (Hemi) you might be fascinated to know that a long time ago its predecessor set a speed record.
    • Know the traffic laws in your area.
      • Know what road signs mean
      • If you cannot interpret every sign on the road get out of your car get online and learn what they mean.
      • Know what the speed limits are in your area they are calculated to provide enough stopping distance in relation to line of sight. 25mph does not mean 40 mph when no one is looking. Johnny can still run out into the road and damage your car by you running into him at 40 mph.
      • make sure your tags and plates are up to date. the police have quotas and letting your tags expire is a great way to pull your dumb ass over.
    • Now that you are familiar with the car and rules of the road you may now start driving.
      • Maneuver your car onto the street and point it in the direction you want to go. This may require you to back up so make sure you look in that direction.
      • After you car is pointed in the correct direction make sure its in "D" and press the gas pedal slowly to gain speed.
      • YOU'RE DRIVING!!!!
      • When making a turn use your turn signals, which you should have found earlier.
    • Now that you are driving let me give you some notes.
      • Do not drive too slow if the speed limit is 35 drive a smiggen faster.
      • Do not speed you get 5 mph over to adjust for radar and speedometer error. Do not tempt the law! That officer might be having a shitty day and everything you say to get out of the ticket will be the wrong thing be prepared to pay for it.
      • please drive on the right side of the road even on a one way street.
      • Do not cut corners there may be a sasquatch in the lane your cutting into and you might hit it and piss it off
      • Give yourself plenty of braking distance. I cannot stress this enough. Too many times a driver will brake at the last possible moment and try to brake hard enough to avoid hitting the car in front of him.
        • braking like this causes unnecessary brake damage
        • passenger discomfort
        • You might fuck up and hit the guy in front of you.
        • That guy might get out and kick your ass.
        • That guy might be a hot girl and you'll never get any ass!
        • so do everyone a favor and come in for a smooth landing, but not too slow
      • Don't run over anything including, sewer grates, roadkill, children, elderly people, toys, bags. As these may cause tire damage or damage to other parts of the car.
      • IF your cellphone rings do not answer it. You are too stupid to do two things at once and it take all of your brain skills to pilot your car you and motorists around you do not need you to be distracted.
      • Do not drive too close to other cars. Someone like me might get the idea to slam the brakes and force you to run into me and I get insurance money because I tricked you.
      • IF you are under the age of 16 or are an incredibly retarded individual do not drive.
      • If you cannot see do not drive
      • If you are a really old do not drive
      • If you are a very chatty girl who cannot live without talking on your cellphone and just got your liscense from the school's driver's ed program do not drive.
      • I'm half tempted to say that if you are a woman do not drive, but we know that women can drive and some do it well. So that is not the case all you sexist bastards out there can just watch Danica Patrick own in a Indy Car race, but if your are in anyway impared do not drive.
That is pretty much all the guide I care to make. I understand it is not organized and you might have questions so leave a comment or e-mail me. If you want me to ride with you let me know I'll sit in the passenger's seat and make you cry that is fine with me. My next guide will be for experianced and safe drivers so stay tuned

Sunday, February 4, 2007

I love my jobs

I love my jobs. That's right jobs a lot of High School students only have one well I have two. I'm a lifeguard at the YMCA and an Associate at Panera Bread. I've decided to start posting about my adventures at my o so wonderful places of employ.

Lets start with my Lifeguarding Job at the YMCA!

This is the greatest job in the world! I get to sit on my fat ass for 7 hours straight and watch people jump into a pool that is about as much fun as a fork in my penis. We do not have diving boards. The pool is too warm to some too cold to others. It goes from 3.5 feet to 5.5 feet. The ambient temperature in the pool can range from 82 to 90 degrees fahrenheit. The ages range from 6 months to dead(but has not been told yet). The average age is 70. There are no teenage women at this pool, my girlfriend certainly never shows up. I get to sit and watch the little bastards misbehave and the old people fiddle and fart in the water. Sometimes I get reading done instead of saving lives, quite frankly its more fun. On Saturday this little turd I'm familar with comes to the pool with his stupid little friends and causes a ruckus. By the time I leave (at this point I'm late for my other wonderful job) They have stolen 10 plus kickboards and are now trying to walk on water with them. previously a certain baseball player arrived to wail on the group with little spongebob balls. I let it happen because I wanted them to be hurt. However they disrupted the other swimmers and I had to attempt to quell the violence. This kid is a snot nosed brat. You know that jackass who never does what he is told or believes he is better than everyone else when he is clearly a shit bag loser who's parents only keep him around because he was a mistake. Anyway, after I deny him more access to kick boards he tells me he'll wait till I leave. I left but no before telling the next guard that the Piss ant and his friends are no good. I have no idea what happened after, but who cares I haven't been fired yet.


Now to Panera: I just love this jerb( yeah I caught the spelling piss off)

I am of course hired on the spot as High School slave labor at the minimum wage value. Our store opens the 27th of February, but the staff needs to be trained before then so we go to other stores in distant places like State college and out towards Shittsburgh. My first experience was out in Murrysville and I got to ride with a bubbly lady who drove a shitty Acura Integra. Naturally I would have been excited to ride in a good integra, but this car lacked ABS a working muffler and a competant driver. There was nothing terribly entertaining about the Murrysville store experiance. But on the way home our wonderful driver decided that, snow or ice, that it was better to drive as though it were dry. So she was bookin it at about 65-70 on really nasty roads and she starts to slow down as we approached slower traffic. However, as is common with shitty drivers, they tend to misjudge a safe braking distance on nasty roads and the braking capabillities of thier car. You see on dry roads shitty drivers just push their brakes hard and stop really close on the bumper of the car in front of them, unfortunetly they also try the same thing on nasty slick icy snowy low visibility roads. Long story short our wonderful driver locks up the brakes at the thirty miles an our and starts to over compensate. She stops thinking neglects to pump the brakes and we go into a spin. There are three other people in the car and we don't say a word. She gets the car stopped without hitting anything miraculously and she restartes it a continues speeding on her way. From that point on I was riding an imaginary brake. I'm never riding with her again ever I don't think anyone will.

This weekend I went to Monroeville, which is just beyond Murrysville. This store Rocked. My trainer was much like Dane Cook in Employee of the Month. Comical yet effective. I used the meat slice, which is a trip believe me, and various tomato slicing anomolies. Fun fun. I tried to drive up myself and offered to take people, but was firmly told that 18 year olds were not allowed to drive. So I got a ride in a Buick Regal GS, which is supposedly supercharged, but I didn't hear a thing. Anyway, there were two smokers in the car and being in there was cold because in order to smoke they rolled the windows down to vent the smoke. and Listening to them talk about their pregancies and children and fathers that weren't there was like watching Jerry Springer without Jerry. Mine being the only testicles in the car, I became fairly uncomfortable, but I tolerated it and learned how not have a kid. So that was fun then I came home did nothing watched the Super Bowl with my Girlfriend and family and had a wonderful timne fighting over who would win and then being right despite not giving a shit.


so fuck you!

::groan::


I know you all have heard of this. If you haven't then you should have your genitals removed via spoon. This ad campaign was done in several other major cities, that is other than Boston, and no one got bent out of shape over it. I know when I see a Mooninite on a Light Brite board I think terrorist! That's what people in Boston seem to think. Or they are just overwhelmingly retarded. I hate them. They decided to sue Turner for the disturbance and proved what shit faced losers they are.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Spider on Drugs

It is amazing what drugs can do to these spiders. This is funny. More videos @ http://www.thevideosense.com/user/viral/

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Happy No Head Day

Yes indeed! Today is the day we celebrate the loss of King Louis XVI's head on January, 21, 1792. And guess what! No one can find it. lol. Happy Head day everyone. Go kill a French King.







Note: Do not actually go a try to find a French King to kill they haven't been around in ages. So don't sue me I'll sue you back!

Friday, January 19, 2007

Let us look to the past...

I know you are all salivating over the idea of me posting some new and exciting content, however let's take a moment to reflect. Please look back into the archives and look at the funny pictures and think about the absolutley serious commentary. Because as of yet the education paper has not made its way to my computer.

Anne Frankenstein
(don't bitch at me and tell me Dr.Frankenstein wasn't the monster I read the book already)

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Alright this pisses me off and a picture that doesn't

Recently I have received the title Dueschbag from a kid who is kinda, but never really was my friend. For those of you that are not familiar with the term a Dueschbag means shower bag in German and would probably be a bag with soap and shampoo in it. However, misguided the use of this word was, i still received the title. Please allow me to set up the situation in which the Dueschiness was bestowed upon me.


A call went out by a member of the clan that a bowling meet was to occur. We decided to rally at a one Holliday Bowl in Altoona at 5:30. This was set up by one with the name of Tarkis. Now a group of us a arrive and meet up with two more of the group known as Sammy J and the Hulk. We discovered to our consternation that the lanes were taken for league bowling and would not be available to us, the ragtag group of adventurers. Also to our dismay, the organizer of the event never showed up. On our way out a wise old sage suggested that we attempt to find lanes at the Pleasant Valley Bowl deep in the heart of Altoona. We agreed, seeing as no one else to our knowledge intended to attend our event we plied our steed to the west and went to Pleasant Valley Bowl. On the way I personally was confronted by the ancient Blind Dragon rider that deceided to cross the lanes of traffic at the worst time possible without lights on, on a rainy day so I cursed loudly the foul hag and was hence forth pissed off.
Once we arrived at the Pleasant Valley we waited for another of our party that we were certain was coming, a one Ingrid Bergman. When she showed we bowled. During the eighth or ninth frame of our first game the cell phone of Milton the Firebringer rang off the hook. It was a lad that wished to know where we were. Now Milton by nature is a Dodgey fellow and refused initially to say, but after several more attempts he relented and said vaguely that we were "bowling" this was true. Apparently Milton neglected to say which alley we were attending and the lad, hence forth known as Tardiess Maximus, called again. At this point Milton refused to answer his phone. So in response Tardiess called me Marcus Wimbledon. After the run in with the hag I was in no mood to be speaking with someone who enjoys inviting himself to things and showing up late habitually, so I answered in the voice of a brothel owner in hopes that he would be confused and never try again. This didn't work Tardiess, the one who invites himself places, called my bluff and immediately told me to stop in that it was making him sick and that it was indeed old. So I immediately took him seriously and told him quickly to speak. Of course he did not immediately and I became even more pissed. Once his mind woke up from its regularly scheduled 30second nap, which occurs every 30 seconds, he told me that he was at Holiday Bowl and that he would like some one to pick him up. At this point I was shocked that one, this lad made it to Holiday Bowl without a car and that he wanted someone to drop everything just for him. The audacity shocked me so much that I stammered an excuse and told him to call Milton again. I hung up my phone and returned to bowling without a second thought.

The next day I was crowned Dueschbag as he so subtly confided in my Girlfriend, as if telling her to tell me to stop being something I don't believe myself to be will make anything better for him. This may be equated to a child telling his mother "MOMMY! MOMMY make that kid be nice to me!" Needless to say this lad , Tardiess Maxiumus, does not exchange words with me anymore and I really don't care.

So let me give some general advice to anyone who wants to remain on good terms with his or her friends.

  • First before you speak think of how what you say to that person might affect the image you portray to that person. Think "Is what I'm about to about to make me look petty and retarded" If the answer is yes don't say it but to your closest friends because they don't care what you sound like.
  • Think of what others think of you. I know you're not supposed to care, but if you get a vibe that there is some awkwardness between you and your friends, that means you are probably the source and should refrain from off color comments, awkward remarks, or personal opinions about someone who might be a friend of your friend.
  • Listen to the goings on behind your back and that which is negative going on in front. Chances are this is what people really think of you. For example believe the guy who tells you that you can't sing despite getting a strong singing role in a musical. He isn't lying, you cannot sing. It becomes increasingly true if several people tell you that.
  • Don't try to tag along to a place you are not sure you are invited to, unless your friend is a whore for community then its a safe bet, for example: A party at David Sill's, You are definitely invited.
  • DO NOT BE LATE. being late shows a certain lack of respect for your friends' time and will often lead to disdain. If you give a shit about your friends you will make an effort to be on location within two minutes of the meeting time.
  • If no one knows that you were planning to attend its hard to make accommodation for you so if you aren't sure remind them that you are coming and make an extra special effort to be on time.
  • If you need something from your friend think first of what this request means for them. For example when Tardiess called me he failed to realize everything that his request meant to everyone. It meant a possible forfeiture or onerous delay of almost an entire bowling game, it meant about a gallon of gas and the task of adding the extra bowler. That was teh first mistake, the second was being redonkulously late for bowling. We got to Pleasant Valley at 6:17ish and the call came to us at about 7:43ish. This constitutes very late. He failed to ignore the hint that Milton stopped answering his phone and that Marcus did not answer the first time either. He also didn't take the hint when Marcus pretended to be someone else. The last mistake was...no one knew he intended to come so facilities could not be made.and lastly HE WAS REALLY LATE!!! unless I'm dating you or you are my especially good friend I'm not coming to get your ass just so you can sit and watch as my friends finish a game of bowling that I should have been in had I not been getting your dumb ass.
  • If you feel you are offended by one of your friends. Talk to that friend or say nothing at all. Do not attempt to get any of his or her friends on your side if you haven't realized it by now. You are on the outside looking in and you are more respectable if you do it yourself. Do not go to a girlfriend especially doing so makes you look like you think you are close enough to her to influence her Boyfriends behavior. On top of that it makes you look pretentious so just talk to the friend yourself.
So be a good friend be on time and know what people think of you. I for one know that people believe me to be creepy, weird, obtrusive, sometimes irrelevant, and irreverent, and now a Dueschbag.

So now Tardiess allow me to shit on your face.

Now here is a picture that will make you Jesus lover hate me.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Perscription Conscription

So I'm riding the channel wave and somehow I manage to watch almost every commercial on every channel twice and you know what? By the time I turned the TV off I thought that I had diabetes erectile disfunction, a really small penis, prostate cancer, menopause, herpes, and that I was pregnant, and that I couldn't stop smoking because I was addicted to nicotine despite never having smoked in my life. Why the hell do we need to have so many prescription drug commercials on TV? I don't need to know about all of these wonder drugs and how it will effect my penis (or vagina because I have since lost track due to these commercials). My doctor is the one who needs to know about this shit not me I just need him to tell me what to take end of story let him figure it out. i can't get any of these drugs without a doctor to sign so what's the point i can only get Vayzmyne and some stick novacaine. gvDSZJV SDOJVBOGBB RSE NVDJKLFRVB IN BLOkvV FDSB OJFDSNB LJFDS JNVB BRVB>KFCX FCX FC:K OUSFDHVBVBKLSDBV "SDU

and that is all I have to say about that

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Watch this

Watch this as much as you can bear. It seems money can work based on nothing more than belief in its value, of course that's speculation, an investing method, but it seemed to work before the civil war. So let me know what you think. I'm kinda really getting pissed off at the way things are so I might run for President, Senate,or Congress later so let's start a movement huh? http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8753934454816686947&q=MONEY+MASTERS&hl=en