The Crik: 2/4/07

This is going to be the first in a few part installments on driving. I understand many of you are under the illusion that you are a "good" drivers. This for almost 87% of you is not true so you must be re-educated. Let's start at the basics of driving and then the course will move to more advanced techniques.

Look at your car-

are the tires inflated? Not only do inflated tires increase fuel economy. It reduces the risk of you losing traction in adverse weather conditions and looking like a total n00b in front of all of the new friends you just made via car crash!

Is your car clean inside and out. Having a dirty ass car will get you no ass! go figure. Please wash your car so when people accidentally touch it they do not receive eczema . Be clean inside too your friends do not want to wallow in all of your shit as you drive them to school or to the movies. and once again if there is no room in the back seat to do it; you're not gonna do it.

2. Take time to adjust

Adjust the seat,
adjust the mirrors
adjust the radio
adjust your attitude
adjust your passanger's attitude
adjust your face ( do not apply makeup while driving)
make sure this is all done before you move the car.

3. Become familiar with the instrumentation of your car.

Locate your speedometer-this shows how fast you are going. Do not try to go as fast as it says you can go until you have completed my course.
locate the RPM gauge-this tells you how many revolutions per minute your engine is cranking out. The numbers read in increments of 1000 not 1. If the RPMs are high and you aren't doing it on purpose you are doing something wrong or you are driving and Audi 3000 (which is no longer possible so you must be a idiot)
Locate the fuel gauge-this indicates how much go juice you have. When the light comes on you have about 20-39 miles before you die. Fill the tank and don't reach the redline
Locate oil pressure gauge-this shows how much pressure is placed on the oil at any given time. If it is high and you aren't touching the gas pedal aggressively or at all you're about to explode! fix it
Locate the fuel door indicator arrow-this points to the side of the car the fuel door is on. You look really retarded when you pull up to a pump and realize that you are on the wrong side.
Locate:Additional gauges:: Vaccum Gauge-this indicates how efficiently your car is taking in air. You will find these now a days on turbocharged vehicles. the left side of the zero indicates "suck" or air is being pulled into the engine. The right side of the gauge indicates "blow" or the pressure of the air being forced into your engine. If your gauge reads 30 psi and you time your turbo to go that high without additional modification you will explode. if your gauge is reading that and you don't have a turbo that means there is a raccoon squeezing a puffer fish into your intake manifold and you need to chase him out right away!
Locate volt meter-this show how many volts your battery is putting out. If you have no volts your car will not start. Jump the car and drive it for half an hour if the volts don't go up it might be your alternator being plundered for copper by the smurfs in your air filter.

3. Know everything about your car. (get some coffee and go to the restroom this is gonna be long)

sit in your car and look around find the following

lights (flick them on and off a million times make sure they go bright and all that)
windshield wiper(flick them a bunch of times too after running some water on the windshield just to make sure they work)
observe how the car is put into gear (for all intents and purposes we'll assume you drive an automatic because you are probably stupid) you will see somewhere an idicator for the gear you have selected in the form of PRND 32L the numbers may change depending on the car, but thats how it should look let's look one at a time

P-is for park this disengages the flywheel and locks the transmission, but is not a fail safe for stopping use your parking brake it locks the wheels become familiar with it
R-is for reverse this makes your car go backwards in case you forgot what reverse means. This engages a squareish gear in the front of the transmission that makes the wheels go backwards. DO NOT PUT IT IN REVERSE AND EXPECT TO GO FORWARD please check to make sure you aren't retarded.
N-is neutral this disengages the flywheel, but does not lock the transmission. Your car can roll in neutral and rev in neutral.(you can rev in park too but its pretty pointless) Neutral has its uses but for now don't use it
D-means drive. this will engage the flywheel and make your car roll forward. To keep this from happening use the brake to hold the car back. If you don't know where your brake is get out of your car and find the nearest ball point pen and shove it your eye and never get near a car again. When you push the gas pedal your car will accelerate, go faster forward dumbass. If you don;t know what a gas pedal is see above instructions. the drive will allow the transmission to shift as the computer sees fit if you pound the gas the computer will drop it into the lowest gear possible and open the throttle as wide as the factory governors will allow. most automatics have four gears and it depends on the car at what speed it will shift, but just trust it to do it. You need to worry about he complexities of steering, let the car shift.
32L-these allow the driver to better select a gear. Given that you are not a good driver; don't worry about these yet I'll explain them later.

After finding PRND32L now look for your seat belt. This will keep your dumbass from dieing more often than not, so please wear it I don't want your guts on my lawn when you smash into a tree out front.
Locate the steering wheel. This turns the car and allows you to do really neato things like avoid old people and better aim for the neighbors dog. Adjust the wheel to your comfort if you like. Don't tamper with it or it will explode and you'll have to pay mad cash to replace it or get a cheap unsafe wheel. On the wheel you my find funny looking buttons. They do niffty things(really they do) but you are probably to dumb to use them and steer at the same time so don't worry about them just yet.
find the mechanism that engages the PRND32L options. This is important.
once these are found you are ready to turn the car on. Find you key and place it in the ignition. Once in the ignition turn the key and the engine will turn over and start. If you can't turn the key, that means you have a push button start, which means you probably own a New Altima or Maxima which, despite being sedate and well rounded cars, are too much car for your stupid ass, so down grade to 4 cylinder Neon Cavalier or Camry so as not to strain your brain.

Now that you know where everything is you must now turn the car on and listen.

Do you hear your engine? If you don't that means its not on.
are there any strange grinding sounds? That means somethings wrong and you need to get the mice out from under the valve cover.
If you own a Chrysler and you hear a clicking sound, don't worry, those are just the little elves that the Chrysler company conscripted from the north pole to hit the cylinders up and down so you are going to be fine.
next smell your car, is anything burning that shouldn't be, of course you wouldn't know so if it smells like sulfur turn the car off and call the mechanic your clutch is slipping, or you A/C or a number of other things are going wrong.

Seriously know your car.

what is the make and model year for example Make::Chevrolet model::Cavalier year:: 1999
know how much horsepower you have
read the owners manual it tells you all about the car! Funny thing that is
Know how much air goes in the tires
Know when to change the oil
Know what normal is for all of the gauges
Know whether or not you have power steering, this determines the level of stupid you are allowed to commit which right now is none
If your car comes from the eighties and isn't a Camaro or Mustang get rid of it its probably shit by now seeing as most cars from that time started life as a piece of shit.
Know the history behind your car. ex. if you drive a 300C (Hemi) you might be fascinated to know that a long time ago its predecessor set a speed record.

Know the traffic laws in your area.

Know what road signs mean
If you cannot interpret every sign on the road get out of your car get online and learn what they mean.
Know what the speed limits are in your area they are calculated to provide enough stopping distance in relation to line of sight. 25mph does not mean 40 mph when no one is looking. Johnny can still run out into the road and damage your car by you running into him at 40 mph.
make sure your tags and plates are up to date. the police have quotas and letting your tags expire is a great way to pull your dumb ass over.

Now that you are familiar with the car and rules of the road you may now start driving.

Maneuver your car onto the street and point it in the direction you want to go. This may require you to back up so make sure you look in that direction.
After you car is pointed in the correct direction make sure its in "D" and press the gas pedal slowly to gain speed.
YOU'RE DRIVING!!!!
When making a turn use your turn signals, which you should have found earlier.

Now that you are driving let me give you some notes.

Do not drive too slow if the speed limit is 35 drive a smiggen faster.
Do not speed you get 5 mph over to adjust for radar and speedometer error. Do not tempt the law! That officer might be having a shitty day and everything you say to get out of the ticket will be the wrong thing be prepared to pay for it.
please drive on the right side of the road even on a one way street.
Do not cut corners there may be a sasquatch in the lane your cutting into and you might hit it and piss it off
Give yourself plenty of braking distance. I cannot stress this enough. Too many times a driver will brake at the last possible moment and try to brake hard enough to avoid hitting the car in front of him.

braking like this causes unnecessary brake damage
passenger discomfort
You might fuck up and hit the guy in front of you.
That guy might get out and kick your ass.
That guy might be a hot girl and you'll never get any ass!

so do everyone a favor and come in for a smooth landing, but not too slow

Don't run over anything including, sewer grates, roadkill, children, elderly people, toys, bags. As these may cause tire damage or damage to other parts of the car.
IF your cellphone rings do not answer it. You are too stupid to do two things at once and it take all of your brain skills to pilot your car you and motorists around you do not need you to be distracted.
Do not drive too close to other cars. Someone like me might get the idea to slam the brakes and force you to run into me and I get insurance money because I tricked you.
IF you are under the age of 16 or are an incredibly retarded individual do not drive.
If you cannot see do not drive
If you are a really old do not drive
If you are a very chatty girl who cannot live without talking on your cellphone and just got your liscense from the school's driver's ed program do not drive.
I'm half tempted to say that if you are a woman do not drive, but we know that women can drive and some do it well. So that is not the case all you sexist bastards out there can just watch Danica Patrick own in a Indy Car race, but if your are in anyway impared do not drive.

That is pretty much all the guide I care to make. I understand it is not organized and you might have questions so leave a comment or e-mail me. If you want me to ride with you let me know I'll sit in the passenger's seat and make you cry that is fine with me. My next guide will be for experianced and safe drivers so stay tuned

I love my jobs. That's right jobs a lot of High School students only have one well I have two. I'm a lifeguard at the YMCA and an Associate at Panera Bread. I've decided to start posting about my adventures at my o so wonderful places of employ.

Lets start with my Lifeguarding Job at the YMCA!

This is the greatest job in the world! I get to sit on my fat ass for 7 hours straight and watch people jump into a pool that is about as much fun as a fork in my penis. We do not have diving boards. The pool is too warm to some too cold to others. It goes from 3.5 feet to 5.5 feet. The ambient temperature in the pool can range from 82 to 90 degrees fahrenheit. The ages range from 6 months to dead(but has not been told yet). The average age is 70. There are no teenage women at this pool, my girlfriend certainly never shows up. I get to sit and watch the little bastards misbehave and the old people fiddle and fart in the water. Sometimes I get reading done instead of saving lives, quite frankly its more fun. On Saturday this little turd I'm familar with comes to the pool with his stupid little friends and causes a ruckus. By the time I leave (at this point I'm late for my other wonderful job) They have stolen 10 plus kickboards and are now trying to walk on water with them. previously a certain baseball player arrived to wail on the group with little spongebob balls. I let it happen because I wanted them to be hurt. However they disrupted the other swimmers and I had to attempt to quell the violence. This kid is a snot nosed brat. You know that jackass who never does what he is told or believes he is better than everyone else when he is clearly a shit bag loser who's parents only keep him around because he was a mistake. Anyway, after I deny him more access to kick boards he tells me he'll wait till I leave. I left but no before telling the next guard that the Piss ant and his friends are no good. I have no idea what happened after, but who cares I haven't been fired yet.

Now to Panera: I just love this jerb( yeah I caught the spelling piss off)

I am of course hired on the spot as High School slave labor at the minimum wage value. Our store opens the 27th of February, but the staff needs to be trained before then so we go to other stores in distant places like State college and out towards Shittsburgh. My first experience was out in Murrysville and I got to ride with a bubbly lady who drove a shitty Acura Integra. Naturally I would have been excited to ride in a good integra, but this car lacked ABS a working muffler and a competant driver. There was nothing terribly entertaining about the Murrysville store experiance. But on the way home our wonderful driver decided that, snow or ice, that it was better to drive as though it were dry. So she was bookin it at about 65-70 on really nasty roads and she starts to slow down as we approached slower traffic. However, as is common with shitty drivers, they tend to misjudge a safe braking distance on nasty roads and the braking capabillities of thier car. You see on dry roads shitty drivers just push their brakes hard and stop really close on the bumper of the car in front of them, unfortunetly they also try the same thing on nasty slick icy snowy low visibility roads. Long story short our wonderful driver locks up the brakes at the thirty miles an our and starts to over compensate. She stops thinking neglects to pump the brakes and we go into a spin. There are three other people in the car and we don't say a word. She gets the car stopped without hitting anything miraculously and she restartes it a continues speeding on her way. From that point on I was riding an imaginary brake. I'm never riding with her again ever I don't think anyone will.

This weekend I went to Monroeville, which is just beyond Murrysville. This store Rocked. My trainer was much like Dane Cook in Employee of the Month. Comical yet effective. I used the meat slice, which is a trip believe me, and various tomato slicing anomolies. Fun fun. I tried to drive up myself and offered to take people, but was firmly told that 18 year olds were not allowed to drive. So I got a ride in a Buick Regal GS, which is supposedly supercharged, but I didn't hear a thing. Anyway, there were two smokers in the car and being in there was cold because in order to smoke they rolled the windows down to vent the smoke. and Listening to them talk about their pregancies and children and fathers that weren't there was like watching Jerry Springer without Jerry. Mine being the only testicles in the car, I became fairly uncomfortable, but I tolerated it and learned how not have a kid. So that was fun then I came home did nothing watched the Super Bowl with my Girlfriend and family and had a wonderful timne fighting over who would win and then being right despite not giving a shit.

so fuck you!