Recently I have received the title Dueschbag from a kid who is kinda, but never really was my friend. For those of you that are not familiar with the term a Dueschbag means shower bag in German and would probably be a bag with soap and shampoo in it. However, misguided the use of this word was, i still received the title. Please allow me to set up the situation in which the Dueschiness was bestowed upon me.
A call went out by a member of the clan that a bowling meet was to occur. We decided to rally at a one Holliday Bowl in Altoona at 5:30. This was set up by one with the name of Tarkis. Now a group of us a arrive and meet up with two more of the group known as Sammy J and the Hulk. We discovered to our consternation that the lanes were taken for league bowling and would not be available to us, the ragtag group of adventurers. Also to our dismay, the organizer of the event never showed up. On our way out a wise old sage suggested that we attempt to find lanes at the Pleasant Valley Bowl deep in the heart of Altoona. We agreed, seeing as no one else to our knowledge intended to attend our event we plied our steed to the west and went to Pleasant Valley Bowl. On the way I personally was confronted by the ancient Blind Dragon rider that deceided to cross the lanes of traffic at the worst time possible without lights on, on a rainy day so I cursed loudly the foul hag and was hence forth pissed off.
Once we arrived at the Pleasant Valley we waited for another of our party that we were certain was coming, a one Ingrid Bergman. When she showed we bowled. During the eighth or ninth frame of our first game the cell phone of Milton the Firebringer rang off the hook. It was a lad that wished to know where we were. Now Milton by nature is a Dodgey fellow and refused initially to say, but after several more attempts he relented and said vaguely that we were "bowling" this was true. Apparently Milton neglected to say which alley we were attending and the lad, hence forth known as Tardiess Maximus, called again. At this point Milton refused to answer his phone. So in response Tardiess called me Marcus Wimbledon. After the run in with the hag I was in no mood to be speaking with someone who enjoys inviting himself to things and showing up late habitually, so I answered in the voice of a brothel owner in hopes that he would be confused and never try again. This didn't work Tardiess, the one who invites himself places, called my bluff and immediately told me to stop in that it was making him sick and that it was indeed old. So I immediately took him seriously and told him quickly to speak. Of course he did not immediately and I became even more pissed. Once his mind woke up from its regularly scheduled 30second nap, which occurs every 30 seconds, he told me that he was at Holiday Bowl and that he would like some one to pick him up. At this point I was shocked that one, this lad made it to Holiday Bowl without a car and that he wanted someone to drop everything just for him. The audacity shocked me so much that I stammered an excuse and told him to call Milton again. I hung up my phone and returned to bowling without a second thought.
The next day I was crowned Dueschbag as he so subtly confided in my Girlfriend, as if telling her to tell me to stop being something I don't believe myself to be will make anything better for him. This may be equated to a child telling his mother "MOMMY! MOMMY make that kid be nice to me!" Needless to say this lad , Tardiess Maxiumus, does not exchange words with me anymore and I really don't care.
So let me give some general advice to anyone who wants to remain on good terms with his or her friends.
- First before you speak think of how what you say to that person might affect the image you portray to that person. Think "Is what I'm about to about to make me look petty and retarded" If the answer is yes don't say it but to your closest friends because they don't care what you sound like.
- Think of what others think of you. I know you're not supposed to care, but if you get a vibe that there is some awkwardness between you and your friends, that means you are probably the source and should refrain from off color comments, awkward remarks, or personal opinions about someone who might be a friend of your friend.
- Listen to the goings on behind your back and that which is negative going on in front. Chances are this is what people really think of you. For example believe the guy who tells you that you can't sing despite getting a strong singing role in a musical. He isn't lying, you cannot sing. It becomes increasingly true if several people tell you that.
- Don't try to tag along to a place you are not sure you are invited to, unless your friend is a whore for community then its a safe bet, for example: A party at David Sill's, You are definitely invited.
- DO NOT BE LATE. being late shows a certain lack of respect for your friends' time and will often lead to disdain. If you give a shit about your friends you will make an effort to be on location within two minutes of the meeting time.
- If no one knows that you were planning to attend its hard to make accommodation for you so if you aren't sure remind them that you are coming and make an extra special effort to be on time.
- If you need something from your friend think first of what this request means for them. For example when Tardiess called me he failed to realize everything that his request meant to everyone. It meant a possible forfeiture or onerous delay of almost an entire bowling game, it meant about a gallon of gas and the task of adding the extra bowler. That was teh first mistake, the second was being redonkulously late for bowling. We got to Pleasant Valley at 6:17ish and the call came to us at about 7:43ish. This constitutes very late. He failed to ignore the hint that Milton stopped answering his phone and that Marcus did not answer the first time either. He also didn't take the hint when Marcus pretended to be someone else. The last mistake was...no one knew he intended to come so facilities could not be made.and lastly HE WAS REALLY LATE!!! unless I'm dating you or you are my especially good friend I'm not coming to get your ass just so you can sit and watch as my friends finish a game of bowling that I should have been in had I not been getting your dumb ass.
- If you feel you are offended by one of your friends. Talk to that friend or say nothing at all. Do not attempt to get any of his or her friends on your side if you haven't realized it by now. You are on the outside looking in and you are more respectable if you do it yourself. Do not go to a girlfriend especially doing so makes you look like you think you are close enough to her to influence her Boyfriends behavior. On top of that it makes you look pretentious so just talk to the friend yourself.
So be a good friend be on time and know what people think of you. I for one know that people believe me to be creepy, weird, obtrusive, sometimes irrelevant, and irreverent, and now a Dueschbag.
So now Tardiess allow me to shit on your face.
Now here is a picture that will make you Jesus lover hate me.
